Two Day Magazine

Dear Natalie,

My friend is a really sweet woman, attractive and easy to be around. She is 25-years-old and literally hasn’t been kissed up until recently. She claims she has focused all of her energy and time into school and work over the years, and didn’t have a burning desire to meet men or to date. Well, all of that changed recently when she actually met a man that she liked. They went out on a few dates and finally, she got that kiss. But it wasn’t good. In fact, the guy remarked to her that he hadn’t realized that literally she had never been kissed. I guess he thought she was exaggerating. Well, this has made her feel incredibly insecure about taking things to the next step with him, physically. She is afraid that since she has never touched a man, let alone had sex with one, that he is going to be incredibly disappointed and lose interest. How can I help her get in touch with her inner sex kitten and start having some fun?

---Kiss and Tell

Dear Kiss and Tell,

I can understand your perspective on this situation. Being a good friend, you want her to be happy and to experience all the joys that our physical selves have to offer. But it is important to be sensitive to your friend’s situation and not push her too hard on the topic.

It sounds as though she comes to you for advice about this situation, and that you both have had conversations about her romantic life in the past. While anyone’s first kiss is always going to be a little awkward, many of us experience our first kiss much earlier than 25, reducing a lot of the stigma that seems to come with being a “late bloomer.”

First, let’s make it clear that there is nothing wrong with your friend. Perhaps she has always just been shy around men and not sure of how to date them. Maybe she had a negative experience early on in her life and hasn’t wanted to share that with anyone. This could serve as a barrier for allowing herself to be intimate with a man. For others, it is a religious or moral decision based upon their value system. And, then again, some people are just asexual. They don’t have a burning need to date or have intimate relationships, and they are satisfied being single and celibate for the most part. Whatever her reasoning, we have to respect her choice.

Having said that, it sounds as though your friend is willing and ready to move out of the space she has lived in for the last 25 years. It sounds as though she is curious about sex and romance in a way that you haven’t seen from her before. This is a very exciting time for her but let her move at her own pace. Support her, but don’t push her.

It also seems as though she is nervous about getting into bed with a man. It makes me wonder whether or not she has ever even experienced an orgasm before. If you are close enough to her to talk to her about this intimate detail, I would broach it. For how can she ever learn to enjoy the pleasures of sex if she has no idea what pleasure feels like? Self cultivation (or masturbation) is a must for anyone who wants to deepen their ability to feel pleasure in their romantic lives. Masturbating can relieve stress and help her to learn what she likes in bed. And even though some women know what an orgasm feels like, they have never actually “looked” at themselves before. She should become comfortable with her intimate parts, understand where things are and what they look like. Letting go of shame and fear are major obstacles that can inhibit enjoying sex. Since she hasn’t really experienced much in bed, getting comfortable with her body can be a huge step in releasing herself to the physical world.

Women are constantly bombarded with ads telling us how we are supposed to smell, taste, look and feel. We can succumb to the pressures of the media and end up unhappy and dissatisfied with our bodies because of the images we see around us. If she starts to feel as though she isn’t “good enough”, remind her that women come in all shapes, colors and sizes. We are a kaleidoscope of beauty, each with our own unique charms and gifts to share.

The most important thing I can say besides the concept of self-cultivation is that enthusiasm goes a long way in the bedroom. Who cares if this is her first time? Just the fact that she is willing and open to trying new things in bed is a major turn on. Being present, being non-judgmental and having a sense of humor can also move the romantic experience in the right direction.

In time, things will become less awkward and uncomfortable, as all things do with experience, but tell her that it is okay to embrace herself just as she is. This is an exciting moment in her life, a step forward towards awakening the sex goddess inside. With some time, patience and enthusiasm, she may just start blossoming before your eyes.

Good luck and thanks for the question!

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