Two Day Magazine

Psst...it's easier than you think!

Valentine’s Day looms over the horizon like a behemoth; rearing its eight tentacled heads as it prepares for a charge, mowing over our convenience stores, card shops, coffee houses, and eventually, our psyches.

How does one cope with its presence, especially if one is not exactly expecting to take part in the festivities?  Or, let’s say, if one is already so down in the dumps about his/her’s lack of romantic life, that the idea of a holiday specifically designed to celebrate it makes one want to hide inside a makeshift bed-fort living off of only extra crunchy peanut butter and skittles while watching reruns of Desperate Housewives to the point of insanity?

Well, if that’s the case, you are in luck, buddy.  Because this article is for you.

I think if there were ever a holiday that was created specifically to foster unrealistic expectations and massive amounts of disappointment, Valentine’s Day is it.  The most romantic day of the year!  It’s the one day when you and your loved one spend time with each other and go out to dinner and declare your feelings of passion and then he proposes and the next thing you know you are doing the naughty tango of non-committal love and within the year you have a baby on Valentine’s Day and name it Valentino because you wish to scar him for the rest of his life with the knowledge of the day in which he was conceived…and well, you get the picture.

It’s a day full of fun, spontaneity, romance…unless of course, you’re working, or he’s working, or, god forbid one of you forgets or tells the other “it’s okay, you don’t have get me anything, we can just stay in that night” and they actually don’t get you anything or make dinner reservations; resulting in a fight so cataclysmic that it makes the U.N. propose sanctions on your house.   
I personally think the whole thing was engineered by the chocolate companies. They ain’t stupid.  They know that when a person is experiencing heartache and disappointment, their new companion quickly becomes a three-tiered box of dark chocolate truffles.

Regardless, if you want to really stick it to whoever deemed an infant in wings packing a crossbow as “romantic,” then I suggest this Valentine’s Day, you make it your mission to positively repel any one that goes your way.  Or, you know, you could read these and make yourself a list of what not to do so you won’t scare away a potential suitor; however, I won’t openly suggest that because, you know, I’m bitter.

Well, the first thing you want to do to absolutely revolt someone (trust me, I’m an expert) is to make yourself as painfully and obnoxiously desperate as humanly possible.  Our first scenario involves a person asking you for your phone number.

In addition to giving them your cell phone number, also be sure to give them your home phone number, a description of your carrier pigeon, a map with your address circled and highlighted, a list of the good qualities you bring into a relationship, a list of the bad qualities that you are willing to change in order to make yourself worthy of their love, and a planner with all of the days you have off of work circled with berry scented pink highlighter. Basically, act as though by them asking for your number, they are confirming the fact that you are indeed soulmates.  This will guarantee that will conveniently “lose” your number, and avoid you at any/all costs.  If this goes well, then mission accomplished.  You have officially repelled a potential suitor.  

Ah, it’s nice to know that you’re doing this intentionally for once.  

However, let’s say that they get beyond the fact that you own a carrier pigeon/are bat shit crazy and call you and ask you out on a date.  Well, you could ignore them, tell them straight up “no”, or pretend that they have the wrong number and you speak-o no English-o.  However, let’s say, that you forget yourself and agree to meet up with them.  Well, here’s my breakdown as to how to get out of this little pickle.

Remember before, the obnoxiousness and the eagerness?  Well, for some reason, they actually found that endearing.  So we’re going to want to go with the “Sinead O’Connor” strategy.  I want you to be as dark, cynical, and unpleasant as possible.  Fish for compliments, but when they are delivered, disregard them and complain about the feature they just complimented.  If you can cry at will, now would be the time. Don’t be mean to them, I would never suggest that! Rather, convince them that you are more than slightly disturbed and would much more benefit from a long term observation at a mental health clinic rather than a second date at “this great new Italian place.”

However, let’s say you’ve found yourself a masochist/one of those dreaded optimists that think that they can “fix you.”  All of the sudden, the two of you are dating.  Here are some long term strategies.  

First of all, you should just tell them that you’re “not in the right head space” for a relationship. But let’s say that you are non-confrontational/are actually a little crazy, and simply can’t tell them directly that you never wanted to date them in the first place. Don’t worry, I can’t judge considering that I am, after all, the one writing this.  Okay!  Here’s what you are going to want to do.  

In almost every relationship I’ve witnessed that has gone south, people do one of three things: 

A.)  They rush into things way too quickly, saying the “I love you!” and “When we get married…” and “We will have the cutest babies!”  within mere weeks of dating, causing way too much pressure and stress that sometimes results in the other party becoming really freaked out and suddenly needing time to “discover themselves.”   

B.) Some people appear to be indifferent about dating, don’t act like they are in a relationship, and refuse to “label” their relationship status, even when it’s clear that they are steadily seeing someone.  Commitment issues and the desire to be “non-conformist to society’s expectations about sex” strike again!  

C.) I think the most prevalent issue is that one member of the love duo puts in no effort at all, causing the other member to overcompensate, and then resent you, and eventually leave your ass for someone who will actually give a damn.

Well friends, there you have it.  My extraordinarily dysfunctional not-dating psychotic advice.  If you are not looking for love this Valentine’s Day, or ever, then I strongly suggest you follow my above advice and join me in my quest to acquire as many cats as humanly possible.

However, if you are looking for love, good luck.  And for the love of all things that are good and holy in this world, never ever listen to anything I ever tell you to do.

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For more amazing love advice, follow Mia on Twitter @miasminirants.

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