Two Day Magazine

(Why I Just Can't Say, "I'm Not Interested.")

While out a couple weekends ago I met an awesomely attractive guy, with an equally cute friend. Mr. Hottie’s friend was chatting up another girl, whose number he got, but then later stated he probably wouldn’t call her.

My first thought, “Wow, what a jerk.”

I had to step out of myself for a second though to realize that I do the same thing a lot, just a different way. I have said yes to guys that I talked with at a bar or coffee shop, then out of obligation gave them my number because I felt bad if I said no.

It was a lot easier to say yes than to be upfront and say, “Listen, I think you’re really nice but I’m not interested.”

So, a couple of days later they would call and either I wouldn’t answer or I would make up a million excuses as to why I would be busy for the next six months.

It was evil. Unfair. Cruel. I strung these poor men along because I wasn’t grown up enough to be honest.

We seem to hold men up to these expectations that they are ones who are jerks and never call when they say they will, but what about women? Is it not just as bad to lead on a guy to think that he actually has a shot with you?

We don’t like it when men mislead us, so why do we mislead men? Two reasons: either a sense of power that women get from this or guilt if they say no.

Let’s start with the power. When I posed this question to a few readers, someone told the story of a girl he knew.

“I used to know a girl who bragged about how many guys she stood up after agreeing on going on dates with them. It was nasty.”

Maybe women do this as a way to show that they can play with the boys. “You think you get to have all the fun? Think again! Women are in it to win it, baby!”

It might be the evolution of womanhood, the kind that takes place after feeling like they’ve been mistreated for so long. In previous articles, I have mentioned the power trip I went on by treating guys like dirt. But, not all instances were cases of an out of control power trip.

I did feel guilty a lot, as well. I knew I was being dishonest, but felt like it was worse if I just told the truth. I knew I’d end up hurting someone’s feelings either way, but I justified it by saying to myself, “I don’t want to ruin his night or hurt his self-esteem by saying no.”

I made myself think like I had some type of hold on men that would ruin their lives if I said, “No.”

So, after getting over myself and realizing that this guy would find a new girl to talk to and the memory of me saying no wouldn’t be engrained in him forever, it became a lot easier to let someone know I wasn’t interested.

I was tested recently by this theory that guys would survive the wrath of me saying, “No.”

While sitting at the bar waiting for a friend, a guy came up to me and started with the usual small talk. We chatted, and while he was nice, I had no interest in continuing our little conversation and simply said, “I would love to chat more, but I am waiting for a friend and it’s just a girls’ night.”

He shockingly didn’t shed a tear, and before I knew it, he was talking to another girl like I had never existed before.

Thing is, we can let down a person easy. We don’t have to be rude or nasty about it. Of course, it’s not fun, but what if we just said, “Hey, I think you’re nice but I don’t think we should go out”.

Or for starters, why keep talking to someone that you know you have no interest in whatsoever? You’re not doing any charitable favors by leading someone on.

So, stop flattering yourself and have the decency to say no when you absolutely know you have no desire to see that person again. Don’t give out fake numbers. Don’t let him think you’re open for the weekend, then all of a sudden you find out that you’ve been summoned to find the cure to world hunger and that you’re simply too busy to out on a date.

However, I suppose if that were true it would be a legitimate excuse.