It's Friday which can only mean one thing....
Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards (that song never gets old). It also means it's time for another edition of the Hollywood Outsider, twodaymag's weekly ignorant look at the world of news and pop culture.
You may have just met me, and this is crazy, but here's some headlines, so read them maybe.
The Olympics are right around the corner and that means lots of commercials featuring endorsements from athletes you've never heard of but will pretend you have been following their whole careers just to impress your friends.
In an interesting move, this year's uniforms for team USA have been designed by Ralph Lauren and feature white pants, a navy blazer and a beret.
Naturally this has caused some controversy as many Americans are wondering why we would send our second best athletes (the ones who couldn't make it in the NFL) to parade around London looking like French tug boat captains.
In the Outsider's opinion, the most egregious error is the large Polo logo on the front of the blazer. Ralph Lauren isn't really know for its athletic gear like Nike or Reebok so this makes our entire Olympic team look like just the Olympic polo team. Which would be fine if Polo was an Olympic event, but it isn't.
In all fairness, the uniform is still a really sharp looking outfit, but so is the Batsuit and you wouldn't want our athletes parading around in that.
OK, some of us would.
Oh also, they were made in China which according to Congress is a pretty big deal. The Outsider would be interested is see where all of the equipment used by team USA is made: shoes, jerseys, swim goggles, pole vault poles, helmets, etc. Does everything used by a team have to be made in said team's country?
No wonder the Russians never win anything.
How's that for an attention getting headline? TLC has an upcoming episode of "Stranger Sex" featuring adult film star Norma Stitz, who has the worlds largest natural breasts.
(Wait for it)
102 ZZZ. Her cup size is so large, the scientists at the Boob Measuring Institute (if only that was a real place) ran out of letters in the alphabet so they just repeated the last one as many times as they felt like it!
The 85 lbs "tracts of land" are due to a medical condition called "awesome chestulitis" (gigantomastia).
Naturally Stintz (not her real name) got into the adult film industry, because when God gives you a gift you're supposed to share it with the world. The strange thing is, Stintz's gift is singing, so who really knows why she got into adult films.
Miley Cyrus was once known as the most popular girl in the world. Now, however, she is known as the girl who was once known as the most popular girl in the world. Recently she, like many American women, got a tattoo. While that may not be very interesting, the subject of the tattoo is worth talking about.
The young starlet got a quote from the late President Teddy "Teddy" Roosevelt inked on her left arm that said, "So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
OK so maybe that's not very interesting either, the Outsider just wanted to use this story to talk about tattoos in general. Penn Jillette once said, "Tattoos used to mean you lived outside the law, now it means you went to a mall."
As of this writing the Outsider has no tattoos that he knows about, but not because he has anything against them. There are two reasons the Outsider has avoided getting inked:
1. He has an almost childlike fear of needles.
2. He struggles with commitment.
Tattoos are a serious commitment. Think about it, college is four years, a mortgage is 30 years, even marriage is whole whopping nine weeks long (if you're a Kardashian), but a tattoo lasts forever. If you are contemplating getting a tattoo you can follow the Outsider's sure fire rule: Write down what you want to get, then wait 10 years. If you look at what you wrote and say, "Wow I can't believe I thought Ace Of Bass was going to be popular forever, thank God I didn't get that tattoo!" then you know it was a bad idea.
The only thing the Outsider thinks he could still be committed to in 10 years is his fear of commitment, but he doesn't know what the Chinese symbol for that looks like.
Which brings up the final point. Why would an American with no connection to Chinese culture want "Destiny" tattooed on her shoulder in Chinese? Is there a reciprocal effect in Asian cultures? Are there 22-year-old Chinese women in Shanghai with "water" and "fate" tattooed on their arms in English?
The world may never know.
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Like John’s weekly column? Check out some of out other recent editions of The Hollywood Outsider: